When important considerations are taken into account, online couples therapy can be a great experience for couples who want to improve their relationship. They can enhance communication skills, increase sexual intimacy, resolve a specific problem they have been stuck on, or want to heal from past relationship trauma. Relationship counseling differs from individual counseling, where the relationship is the client – not the individuals in the relationship. Because relationship counseling is so different, there are different and important considerations to think about before starting online therapy as a couple.
Here are four things to consider before starting online couples therapy:
Do both partners want online therapy over in-person?
This seems like an obvious question, but I find it isn’t explored by many couples before we start online therapy. Sometimes, one person really prefers it while the other person prefers in-person therapy. The best solution is to use a hybrid format where both individuals’; preferences are considered.
Can the couple stand to be in a room together for more than five minutes?
Sometimes, things have broken so far down in a relationship that being together for more than five minutes in the same proximity can cause extreme yelling, anger outbursts, flashbacks from trauma, etc. In these situations, I personally won’t work with a couple online because of potential safety concerns but also because of the potential of doing more harm than good. A good amount of my high-conflict couples that see me in person describe doing couple’s therapy online first, where the sessions end with turning off screens, screaming at each other and ignoring the therapist, and not feeling emotionally safe during and after the session.
These same high-conflict couples find in-person therapy sessions to be a lot easier to relate to one another, employ self-regulation techniques (so anger doesn’t get out of control), and feel emotionally safe with the therapist in the same room with them. Once high-conflict couples can have productive conversations where they don’t feel like there is constant lashing out, moving to a hybrid format and then to an entirely online format can work.
Is the main purpose for couples therapy affair recovery?
Affair (emotional or physical) recovery counseling is very complex in the beginning. There are many different things to consider such as the type of affair, reasons for the affair taking place, how is the affair really impacting the couple, is accountability being taken where it should be, potential relationship trauma healing, etc. Getting a full understanding of the affair, what led up to the affair, and the best way to move forward requires some time and patience to build a solid foundation of what will truly help the couple move forward. I find doing this in-person, nothing is missed in affair recovery counseling, whereas doing this in an online format in the beginning, some crucial pieces may be missed. The crucial pieces that are missed at the beginning of online couples therapy come up later and are addressed, but I find that delays in the healing process. Going through affair recovery is already very hurtful for most couples and anything that may reduce the pain or effectiveness in healing, I think, should be taken into account.
For most of my clients that are starting the affair recovery process, we start in person and then move to a hybrid model. Clients who have worked with other therapists or coaches and are mid-way through the affair recovery process, we can usually start in a hydrid model or online. At this point, most couples understand the dynamics of the affair and have laid some impactful groundwork to move forward, but know there are some crucial missing pieces of healing that still need to be worked on.
What are the main goals of online couples therapy? What does the couple want to get out of it?
These questions should be asked internally of oneself and in a discussion with your partner. It will help to uncover if online couples therapy fits you and your partner well. Most of the time, enhancing communication skills or trying to figure out how to balance two careers with kids and busy schedules works well online. When there is a good amount of personalized psychoeducation or exploring topics that a couple is interested in learning more about different perspectives or ways of resolving conflict, online therapy is a great fit.
If someone or both individuals in the relationship are contemplating ending the relationship, some deeper internal questions need to be asked. Are they comfortable discussing such a big life decision online? Some people would like this option more than doing it in person. It might be a situation where they feel like they are roommates and want to explore if there is a way to reconnect, but they also love and support their partner if they decide to leave because it would be the best thing for them. There would be a lot of sadness for the person and couple, but they can manage letting go of the relationship.
For other couples or individuals, they may see potentially ending the relationship as the biggest tragedy that has ever happened to them. For some people, navigating this online still works well for them. They may be used to making changes or other life/career decisions in online meetings, and deciding this large decision from the comfort of their own home works better for them. For others, being in person feels better about making such a huge life decision. Doing therapy in person is honoring the relationship in a way that doing it online wouldn’t.
Are you considering online couples therapy? Do you have any questions or want information that isn’t covered here? Please see my webpage regarding general Telemental Health Services for more information.
Please contact me today for a free phone consultation utilizing my online scheduler or calling me at (860) 920-7070. You can ask me any questions you may have about my online couples therapy and to see if they are a good fit for you.
