Affair recovery, in terms of my clinical practice, is when two individuals have created a monogamous partnership and have agreed on specific boundaries, and one partner feels there has been an affair that has stepped over these boundaries. People have different definitions of affairs, with some being emotional affairs and some being physical affairs. But one partner feels a deep betrayal has occurred and is curious if affair recovery is an option for their relationship. Affair recovery is the journey of healing this betrayal that has occurred. When most couples start couples counseling with the main focus on affair recovery, both partners agree that an affair has taken place (either emotional or physical, or both). Sometimes one partner feels an affair has happened while the other partner doesn’t feel a boundary has been crossed – or it is more of a gray area.
What happens when one partner feels an affair has occurred while the other one doesn’t?
If there isn’t agreement on whether an affair has taken place, but both individuals are unhappy in the relationship and feel trying couples therapy would be a beneficial next step, exploring why the relationship currently isn’t working well is a good place to start. If both individuals are committed to improving the relationship, a strong foundation of safety and communication can be built where the complex issue of affair recovery can be explored. If it is clear that an affair has taken place (physical proof, ongoing lies, affair partner is contacting the betrayed partner) and there is ongoing denial that an affair exists, I would recommend the betrayed partner engage in individual therapy first. The betrayed partner can explore if they want to stay in this relationship, is gaslighting going on, and how they define their own self-worth.
What does affair recovery look like?
Most of the time, couples schedule affair recovery counseling after the betrayed partner has found out about the affair. Sometimes, couples will wait to see if they can move past it on their own, but after many weeks or months of fighting or silence, they decide affair recovery counseling may be a good next step. It’s important to remember that there is no wrong time to start couples counseling regarding an affair if the couple can’t heal from the betrayal or get to the root of what caused the affair. I have had couples start affair recovery counseling three + years after an affair ended because they were embarrassed, thought couples counseling would be a waste of time, or thought they wanted to end the relationship after the kids left the house.
How the betrayed partner discovered the affair is also an important consideration. If the partner who was having the affair came forward because they had ended the affair and wanted to save the relationship, that is a good starting point of trying to build honesty again. If the betrayed partner found out about it through a text or a kiss they weren’t supposed to see, that trauma the betrayed partner experiences goes up considerably. The healing journey tends to be a lot more complex and the betrayed partner questioning if they should stay in the relationship is front and center of most conversations. If a couple is coming to therapy right after finding out an affair has been discovered or dmitted, handling the immediate trauma and fallout is the first focus. This usually consists of:
- How do we handle difficult and intense emotions?
- How do we talk to one another?
- How is the daily routine going to be handled? Finances? Kids?
- Does staying under the same roof or having some space apart make sense? If we are under the same roof, do we sleep in the same bed?
- What important boundaries need to be set?
- How do we communicate about the affair? Do we let anyone know?
After establishing some equilibrium, it is important to start looking at the factors that made the relationship vulnerable to an affair. This part of the process can be uniquely difficult because, most of the time, both partners take accountability for how the relationship became vulnerable to an affair. Even though one partner had an affair (and is held accountable for this), it is important to examine both partners’ contributions and behaviors to understand why the relationship became so disconnected.
It’s important to arrive at a coherent picture or narrative of the affair that makes sense to both parties. What were the events and challenges that led to the affair? Has this relationship been fulfilling most of the time? How would you describe its foundation? How did the environment, events and other people increase the likelihood of an affair? How do we define infidelity and what boundaries were crossed?
Do We Stay Together or Separate?
Affair recovery doesn’t always involve relationships staying together. Sometimes, affairs tearing apart relationships bring people into therapy who would never have otherwise considered therapy. Affairs can change someone’s entire world, so people who come to couples counseling are extremely vulnerable and ready to dig in deep to fix the problems at hand. Through this deep healing process, sometimes people learn so much about themselves and the relationship that they learn they are better off apart than together.
Many times (I never believed this until I saw affair recovery counseling in action with skilled relationship experts and in my own therapy room), couples can become much closer and more loving after an affair if the right healing journey takes place. Most couples would never say they are happy an affair happened, but the healing process afterward really helped them wake up to the wonderful relationship they do have. Their new understanding of themselves and each other, impactful communication styles, strong emotional intelligence, and genuine authenticity to show up every day have created a relationship foundation that is not vulnerable to affairs.
To determine if your relationship might benefit from affair recovery counseling, please schedule a phone consult or call me to see if we are a good fit and how I may be able to help.
